The lure of the perm

I've always known I wasn't cut out to be a full-time freelancer for two reasons: the instability and the lack of benefits. Many of my friends who've been contractors at some point had a spouse on whom they could rely for benefits and a source of income during lean times. I've always envied that freedom a little. But I never envied my single friends who were contractors. While most seemed perfectly happy with that life, I never felt the lure of the freelancer. And since my layoff more than a year and a half ago, I've learned that my instincts were right on the money. This isn't the life for me.

The first six months were great, but that came with a nice severance package and continuing low-cost group health insurance (actually free in my case). I enjoyed the freedom to do whatever I wanted, including taking freelance projects like Six Man, Texas for no or deferred pay. But even then the limitations of this life were starting to become clear. Not only did I stop all major purchases, I postponed relatively minor ones as well. And with no income looming over the horizon, I stopped taking vacations, even though I had plenty of time to use. And as I've mentioned on here before, as time dragged on, I realized that the uncertainty about the future had robbed me of hope and anticipation as well. I felt I had nothing to look forward to. Even once I started working again, I only felt slightly more secure than before because it was still a contract position. Six months wasn't that far away; it all felt very transitory.

I know things could be a lot worse. I'm fortunate to have been able to go jobless for this long without resorting to drastic measures. But how I've lived my life this past year has proven that I'm not cut out to be a contractor, at least not without a spouse with a full-time permanent job. As for my next job (and I had an interview this morning that went well, knock on wood), if it's a contract job, I'll have to find a way to tip the scales away from my feelings of uncertainty about the future and toward living life more fully, toward my happiness. You can't keep life on hold forever, because then you're just wasting time.

All this is why I'm not full-time freelance material, at least not now. Even if the stability of a permanent job is an illusion, it's still a feeling that I've been unable to get as a freelancer. And so we get the lure of the perm. Maybe I need to be more of a risk-taker, but the fact remains I was happier with the stability of a permanent job. With that feeling of security, I'm free to look forward to the future and plan for it instead of worrying about it. And that makes a world of difference to me...