Called into the principal's office
A friend of mine and I were called, separately, into the principal's office and told we'd been bad. I didn't even know what I'd done wrong. Being a goodie two-shoes, I never got into trouble, so this was new for me. Turned out, some of the other kids had complained because their feelings got hurt ... all because of recess.
See, we thought that recess was our time to do as we pleased. There were no organized activities or games; this was our time to run around and play with our friends. A nice break in the school day. It seemed normal that kids would break up into smaller groups; not everyone did the same thing all at once. Some would play football, some would tackle the monkey bars, others would play on the swing sets. Sometimes we'd do things in a huge group, but not always. And apparently some kids got mad that my group of friends didn't openly invite them to do every single thing with us. We weren't shunning the other kids or being mean to them, though. We just weren't best friends with them, so we didn't hang out with them every second like we did each other.
Our principal felt that was wrong. So she singled out me and one of my friends as the ringleaders and told us to make sure that from now on, every kid in the entire class was included in every single activity all the time, not just our friends. No exceptions. Keep in mind these were not official school activities that we were running; we're talking about playtime. But the last thing the principal wanted was for any kid to feel left out, even at recess.
Does that sound reasonable? Before you answer and start debating how best to raise and teach a child in an often cruel world, replace the following words in the above scenario:
I was at work, and I was 24. My "co-ringleader" was 29.
That's right. We were given a talking-to by our manager because we weren't inviting everyone to go out to lunch with us every single time.
Lunch. Our free time. Our life outside of work. Grown men and women. And we were being told that we could never go to lunch with only the people we wanted to. We had to invite Every. Damn. Person. In. The. Department.
The worst part is, some of us didn't even realize just how fucked up that was for a workplace policy. This was my first job right out of college, and one of the first for most of my friends. We were still used to a scholastic environment more than an office one. Still used to having a principal more than a manager. It took the eyes of my friends' spouses or my friends outside work to clue us in that, uh hello, we're all adults here, and no manager has the right to tell us who we can and can't eat lunch with outside of work.
Still, to keep the peace, we acquiesced ... sort of. We'd occasionally make a big show of inviting everyone in the department to lunch -- which, by the way, we'd always done regularly. The "problem" wasn't that we never invited everyone to lunch ... we just didn't do so enough, by our manager's estimation.
However, we realized that no one could complain if anyone left the office alone for lunch. So when we wanted to have lunch with a more private group, we'd sneak out of the office one by one. We'd work out the schedule on the phone or email. So, for example, Trish would leave first using one stairwell. CMC would leave a couple minutes later, going down a different stairwell. I'd leave a few more minutes after her and take the elevator. By that time, Trish would have gotten her car from the garage and pulled up to the front, where CMC and I would hurriedly get in and hope no one saw us.
That's right, we had to fake going to lunch alone in order to go to lunch with just our friends. I again remind you, this was an actual workplace with actual (alleged) adults. I mean, I know people often go to great lengths to conceal affairs ... but friendships that everyone knows about?! Yet that's what we felt we had to do.
I was reminded of this story today while having lunch with Barbara and a visiting CMC and her husband (who was one of the ones whose pointed out our workplace dysfunction for what it was). It still boggles my mind that this could have happened at any workplace. I wouldn't expect this to happen even in a high school. Elementary school, maybe. But only maybe. I know our manager's intentions were good, but to this day, I still can't believe that I was once called onto the carpet by my manager because I was going to lunch with my friends.
See, we thought that recess was our time to do as we pleased. There were no organized activities or games; this was our time to run around and play with our friends. A nice break in the school day. It seemed normal that kids would break up into smaller groups; not everyone did the same thing all at once. Some would play football, some would tackle the monkey bars, others would play on the swing sets. Sometimes we'd do things in a huge group, but not always. And apparently some kids got mad that my group of friends didn't openly invite them to do every single thing with us. We weren't shunning the other kids or being mean to them, though. We just weren't best friends with them, so we didn't hang out with them every second like we did each other.
Our principal felt that was wrong. So she singled out me and one of my friends as the ringleaders and told us to make sure that from now on, every kid in the entire class was included in every single activity all the time, not just our friends. No exceptions. Keep in mind these were not official school activities that we were running; we're talking about playtime. But the last thing the principal wanted was for any kid to feel left out, even at recess.
Does that sound reasonable? Before you answer and start debating how best to raise and teach a child in an often cruel world, replace the following words in the above scenario:
- kids --> coworkers
- school --> work
- class --> department
- principal --> manager
- recess/games --> lunch
I was at work, and I was 24. My "co-ringleader" was 29.
That's right. We were given a talking-to by our manager because we weren't inviting everyone to go out to lunch with us every single time.
Lunch. Our free time. Our life outside of work. Grown men and women. And we were being told that we could never go to lunch with only the people we wanted to. We had to invite Every. Damn. Person. In. The. Department.
The worst part is, some of us didn't even realize just how fucked up that was for a workplace policy. This was my first job right out of college, and one of the first for most of my friends. We were still used to a scholastic environment more than an office one. Still used to having a principal more than a manager. It took the eyes of my friends' spouses or my friends outside work to clue us in that, uh hello, we're all adults here, and no manager has the right to tell us who we can and can't eat lunch with outside of work.
Still, to keep the peace, we acquiesced ... sort of. We'd occasionally make a big show of inviting everyone in the department to lunch -- which, by the way, we'd always done regularly. The "problem" wasn't that we never invited everyone to lunch ... we just didn't do so enough, by our manager's estimation.
However, we realized that no one could complain if anyone left the office alone for lunch. So when we wanted to have lunch with a more private group, we'd sneak out of the office one by one. We'd work out the schedule on the phone or email. So, for example, Trish would leave first using one stairwell. CMC would leave a couple minutes later, going down a different stairwell. I'd leave a few more minutes after her and take the elevator. By that time, Trish would have gotten her car from the garage and pulled up to the front, where CMC and I would hurriedly get in and hope no one saw us.
That's right, we had to fake going to lunch alone in order to go to lunch with just our friends. I again remind you, this was an actual workplace with actual (alleged) adults. I mean, I know people often go to great lengths to conceal affairs ... but friendships that everyone knows about?! Yet that's what we felt we had to do.
I was reminded of this story today while having lunch with Barbara and a visiting CMC and her husband (who was one of the ones whose pointed out our workplace dysfunction for what it was). It still boggles my mind that this could have happened at any workplace. I wouldn't expect this to happen even in a high school. Elementary school, maybe. But only maybe. I know our manager's intentions were good, but to this day, I still can't believe that I was once called onto the carpet by my manager because I was going to lunch with my friends.
posted by Dipu @ 9:26 PM
4 Comments:
At December 18, 2007 2:40 AM,
Alison said…
That really happened?! I am dumbfounded. Now, I do think that the fact that there were occasional department lunches was a great thing, and I've felt sorry for my husband for never working anyplace that people eat together at all (in most cases, people have just eaten at their desks where he has worked, and there's just no sense of camaraderie), but I can't imagine anyone thinking that should happen every time people go out to lunch! I normally ate with my own smaller workgroup or group of 2 or 3 friends, whether in the cafeteria or at a restaurant, and I think it's nuts you were reprimanded for doing otherwise. I'm also surprised you all went along with it to the point of sneaking around! I'd take that over some people I know who have been yelled at in their jobs for being 1 minute late or leaving 1 minute early...but still, that's weird. I can see it being a problem if there were, say, 5 people in the department and 4 of them went out to eat every day and never invited the 5th, but I know you're talking about a completely different dynamic than that. (I assume someone must have complained, but I personally wouldn't expect to be invited anytime some other people felt like going to lunch together!)
The way you started your post, it reminded me of something that happened when I was in 7th grade. At that time I went to a tiny and mostly laid-back private school, so small that 5th, 6th, & 7th grades were combined in one class. I started a club that year for other kids in my class, just to have fun at recess. During the year, I moved away temporarily, and while I was gone I got a letter from my best friend, saying that the teachers had shut the club down. Why? Because some 4th graders had felt left out that they weren't in it. The teachers said everyone had to be included, so we couldn't have it. I was furious when I found this out! First of all, I had never excluded the 4th graders on purpose. They just weren't in our class, so it didn't come up. It was fine with me if they wanted to be in it. Second, it seemed insane for teachers to expect 7th graders to have to hang out with 4th graders. But most importantly, this club didn't seem like any of the teachers' business! It was our club, formed at recess when we supposedly had time to ourselves, and we weren't harassing anyone or parading in front of other kids mocking them for not being part of it, we were just in a corner of the playground doing our own thing. It was also someting we did outside of school, on the phone or whatever after school, and did not seem to fall under the jurisdiction of my teacher at all...argh. It still makes me mad to think about it, just because of the principle of the thing! (Though it could have been worse. Some schools have banned recess these days, and I know someone else whose kids have it, but they have to either play an organized game or keep moving at all times, to get enough exercise, and get in trouble if they stop to talk to their friends at all!)
At December 27, 2007 10:50 PM,
Dipu said…
Great comment, Alison! Yes, sadly, this really happened. And I love the fact that your parallel example actually happened in jr. high school, not a workplace.
At January 12, 2008 12:29 AM,
Crazy MomCat said…
Yep, I can back Dips up here, it did happen. And, well...at least we can laugh about it today, right?
I enjoyed this and our lunch conversation recalling that madness a great deal. I just read and suck and leaving comments these days!
At January 19, 2008 6:48 PM,
kristi said…
Ugh, my sister goes thru this mess at her job. She works at a daycare.
It is always drama at her job, I would lose my mind!
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