6 Months

I was a little surprised to realize that yesterday marked 6 months at my job. That's already 3 days longer than my first post-IBM contract job, and the time has flown here compared with that job. Even compared with my job last year, which was considerably better than the first.

For me, 2006 marked the first time 1992, the year I graduated from college and started at NI, that I was employed for less than half the year. My vision of the future became increasingly short-term; the lack of permanence I felt about my employment spilled into the rest of my life. My biggest accomplishments during that time were getting out of the house after 11 months of unemployment and reversing the drain on my bank account. That job, where the atmosphere was somewhat stifling and restrictive, was about getting back on my feet ... and little else.

Last year's job, another contract position, ensured I would be employed for the majority of 2007. It was supposed to be a contract-to-hire position, but after 7 1/2 months, my entire department got the axe. Contract and permanent people alike were looking for jobs. Still, this job was notable for the slow return of some of my pre-layoff attitudes about relaxing and enjoying life. After nearly two years of going nowhere outside of Central Texas and Houston, I went on a vacation. Out of state, no less. I had to take unpaid time off to do so, but I learned that my world didn't end when I voluntarily cut my pay for a few days. And I started to feel secure enough to allow myself a mini-burst of spending, finally buying a digital SLR camera and a new laptop for the aforementioned vacation.

So as this job progressed, I slowly felt more secure about life again. My short-term vision expanded out somewhat. But I still found it difficult to plan for anything more than a few weeks out.

Now, after half a year back in the world of full-time "permanent" work, I find that I still have a ways to go in recapturing all my pre-layoff attitudes. I still have trouble planning more than a couple months into the future. I still feel like it's impossible to know how much things can change in that time. I've now been here long enough to sign up for the employee stock purchase program, which goes for a 6-month period. And it occurred to me how strange it still felt to look 6 months ahead and assume I'd still be employed at the same place. I used to take such things for granted. Now, even when I feel "secure," I'm assuming a layoff can happen any month now. There's talk of group vacation plans for next year. NEXT year?!? I can't even be sure about anything I'm doing THIS summer!

For better or for worse, one area I've relaxed on is expenses. Not that I've gone hog wild; all I've really done in this first 6 months is buy a new Mac to replace my 8-year-old system and a new desk to go with it, plus a bunch of shelves from Ikea (more on those in a later entry). But I'm not tracking my bank account daily, and if I have to spend a little extra on something I hadn't planned for, I don't freak out about it. And that's a nice feeling. Plus, I no longer think of extra expenses in terms of how many hours I have to work to earn that amount after taxes. During my 2 years of contracting, if my car needed $300 in work, I'd calculate how many hours of work that meant. I never used to think like that before. And now I feel freed from the hourly rate mentality again.

So I guess that's reasonable progress. Okay, big deal, I still don't feel comfortable planning several months in advance. I guess that gives me something to work on over the next 6 months...

Called into the principal's office

A friend of mine and I were called, separately, into the principal's office and told we'd been bad. I didn't even know what I'd done wrong. Being a goodie two-shoes, I never got into trouble, so this was new for me. Turned out, some of the other kids had complained because their feelings got hurt ... all because of recess.

See, we thought that recess was our time to do as we pleased. There were no organized activities or games; this was our time to run around and play with our friends. A nice break in the school day. It seemed normal that kids would break up into smaller groups; not everyone did the same thing all at once. Some would play football, some would tackle the monkey bars, others would play on the swing sets. Sometimes we'd do things in a huge group, but not always. And apparently some kids got mad that my group of friends didn't openly invite them to do every single thing with us. We weren't shunning the other kids or being mean to them, though. We just weren't best friends with them, so we didn't hang out with them every second like we did each other.

Our principal felt that was wrong. So she singled out me and one of my friends as the ringleaders and told us to make sure that from now on, every kid in the entire class was included in every single activity all the time, not just our friends. No exceptions. Keep in mind these were not official school activities that we were running; we're talking about playtime. But the last thing the principal wanted was for any kid to feel left out, even at recess.

Does that sound reasonable? Before you answer and start debating how best to raise and teach a child in an often cruel world, replace the following words in the above scenario:

• kids --> coworkers
• school --> work
• class --> department
  
• principal --> manager
• recess/games --> lunch
  

Because when I was called into her office to be given that lecture, I wasn't in elementary school.

I was at work, and I was 24. My "co-ringleader" was 29.

That's right. We were given a talking-to by our manager because we weren't inviting everyone to go out to lunch with us every single time.

Lunch. Our free time. Our life outside of work. Grown men and women. And we were being told that we could never go to lunch with only the people we wanted to. We had to invite Every. Damn. Person. In. The. Department.

The worst part is, some of us didn't even realize just how fucked up that was for a workplace policy. This was my first job right out of college, and one of the first for most of my friends. We were still used to a scholastic environment more than an office one. Still used to having a principal more than a manager. It took the eyes of my friends' spouses or my friends outside work to clue us in that, uh hello, we're all adults here, and no manager has the right to tell us who we can and can't eat lunch with outside of work.

Still, to keep the peace, we acquiesced ... sort of. We'd occasionally make a big show of inviting everyone in the department to lunch -- which, by the way, we'd always done regularly. The "problem" wasn't that we never invited everyone to lunch ... we just didn't do so enough, by our manager's estimation.

However, we realized that no one could complain if anyone left the office alone for lunch. So when we wanted to have lunch with a more private group, we'd sneak out of the office one by one. We'd work out the schedule on the phone or email. So, for example, Trish would leave first using one stairwell. CMC would leave a couple minutes later, going down a different stairwell. I'd leave a few more minutes after her and take the elevator. By that time, Trish would have gotten her car from the garage and pulled up to the front, where CMC and I would hurriedly get in and hope no one saw us.

That's right, we had to fake going to lunch alone in order to go to lunch with just our friends. I again remind you, this was an actual workplace with actual (alleged) adults. I mean, I know people often go to great lengths to conceal affairs ... but friendships that everyone knows about?! Yet that's what we felt we had to do.

I was reminded of this story today while having lunch with Barbara and a visiting CMC and her husband (who was one of the ones whose pointed out our workplace dysfunction for what it was). It still boggles my mind that this could have happened at any workplace. I wouldn't expect this to happen even in a high school. Elementary school, maybe. But only maybe. I know our manager's intentions were good, but to this day, I still can't believe that I was once called onto the carpet by my manager because I was going to lunch with my friends.

It's the little things

I went to Best Buy during lunch today. And it felt good.

All I did was browse. Leisurely strolled through the aisles, feeling neither the pressure to buy something nor the pangs of want. And even better, I felt no rush to cut my lunch hour short.

It's been a long time since I went to a Best Buy or Fry's for no good reason. Since the IBM layoff, my trips to stores like that have been rare, in part to prevent me from torturing myself. I'd only go to get Christmas gifts for family or boring supplies like blank DVDs. I missed my occasional window shopping trips, thinking about things I might buy ... even though I almost never followed through. But I guess there's a hopeful quality to window shopping even if you rarely buy something. And I've really missed that.

Strangely, I've also missed running errands over lunch. Or rather, feeling free to do so. Even though I was lucky enough that neither of my contract jobs were with clock watchers, I still felt the need to minimize my lunch hours. I didn't want to abuse their leniency, and after all, I was technically an hourly employee. So the less time I spent "at lunch," the faster I could justify to myself getting out of there and heading home. I'd still make time to meet friends for lunch, but usually, unless someone else initiated lunch plans, I'd stay at my desk and eat as fast as possible.

And so today, on the second day of my new full-time permanent non-contract can I get a hallelujah job, with nothing to do while waiting for IT to give me a laptop, I went to Best Buy during lunch for no reason other than to kill some time. And while feeling free to do that is a tiny, silly thing that has no relevance in the grand scheme of things ... I sure enjoyed the hell out of it.

The way it should work

Okay, I didn't get around to posting the other day. Here's the scoop:

Back in April, Andrew told me about some job opportunities at a software company a friend of his worked at. This was just a couple of weeks after I'd started my new contract-to-perm job. I sent along my resume, tweaked it upon request, and then never heard back from them. I was surprised they never contacted me again, because fact is, I'm good at my job. I actually have confidence in that area. If I could date with the attitude I have when I'm in an interview, I'd be set. But I digress. Things were going well in the contract job, so in a way, not hearing back was easier for me. I wouldn't have to decide whether to jump ship or not. (Notice my arrogance in assuming I'd get an offer if I interviewed).

Seven months later, we got the news that our department was being dismantled. I found myself suddenly jobless again. I asked Andrew to check with his friend again, but given that they'd passed on me before, I held out no hopes for that possibility, even after he found out they had a job opening. I sent my resume on, though unlike in April, this time I expected nothing.

I approached this layoff with a new strategy. Actually, an old strategy made new again. Full-blown pessimism. The first two times I was unemployed, I started with some negative or mixed feelings -- but well short of raging pessimism -- and soon found myself enjoying the layoff times. After the big layoff in 2005, once I came to accept the situation, I looked at it as a chance to find the perfect job for myself, to do something I loved. And except for a setback after my house was struck by lightning, I loved the first 7 months of that unemployment. And then things went south in a hurry as the job hunt dragged on way longer than I'd anticipated.

The second layoff times followed a similar pattern on a shorter time scale. When my contract went in limbo a year ago, I was upset that I was losing income week by week. But I quickly ended up really enjoying my free time in December and the early part of this year. I had a blast and was glad to no longer feel isolated at that job. But then in February and March, my happiness took another nosedive as the job search stretched on again.

So this time, I decided to embrace my pessimistic side with a giant bear hug from the outset. No enjoying my layoff period this time. Besides dreading a repeat of the bad final months of my previous unemployments, I was angry about suddenly putting everything on hold again. There wasn't going to be a fun start to this unemployment even if I'd wanted there to be. I started working on the assumption that I'd have no income again until weeks after the holiday season ended. And after a week passed with no word from Andrew's friend's company, I knew my pessimism was justified.

Which is of course when I got a phone call to set up an interview with them.

And so, even before I left my contract-to-no-longer-perm job, I'd had one interview. One that went really well. And it was for a permanent position. And they hoped to have a decision before Thanksgiving!

But the day before Thanksgiving came and went without the anticipated phone call. Same story the Monday after. Barbara reminded me that things are always hectic the day after a long weekend, but while I knew she was right, I wanted to hold on to the pessimism. No sense getting my hopes up. When Anita asked for an update, I said it looks like I'm in for a long slog. And though the arrogant side of me was still thinking I should still get an offer, the pessimistic side was saying "don't get your hopes up."

Yet another side wanted to take unrelated actions in a silly and superstitious attempt to "make" things happen. (I'm not really superstitious, but I don't know how else to describe this). And so, I restarted The Layoff Times. I stopped going out and otherwise clamped down on expenses. I bought cans of Spaghettios so that I could eat cheaply. Anything I could think of to steel myself for months of unemployment ... but also to cut short the unemployment, because if I took the trouble to do those things, maybe it would become moot very soon?

I got a verbal offer less than a day after I restarted The Layoff Times.

Obviously, my actions had no bearing on that timing, and it's simply that the Monday after a holiday is too hectic to get all hiring approvals done, just as Barbara said. But still, it made me feel better to prepare for the "long slog."

Last Wednesday, I signed the paperwork. So, one week from today, I should be starting my new full-time permanent job. Sure, I could have continued daily updates on The Layoff Times, but why bother for just a couple of weeks?

In any event, this is how I expected the job hunt to go in the past. I start looking, I get interviews, I get a job -- all in a relatively short amount of time. Weeks, maybe a couple of months, but not longer than that. Even better when I can interview before the current job is over.

This should end up being a 4-week unemployment, which is certainly far better than I was fearing. And while this has me debating whether pessimism or hope is better in the long run, I'll leave such heady issues for another time and enjoy the last week of my 2 1/2 year quest to get a permanent job again...

The Layoff Times, Round 3: Reprint

I'm reprinting this post from a couple of days ago on The Layoff Times in preparation for a follow-up post. This will save you the trouble of clicking over there to get the background info. And, as I'll explain in my follow-up, I no longer plan to regularly update that blog. More to come later today. Note the one change I've made from the original post, boldfacing one phrase:

From The Layoff Times, November 26, 2007:

A new post on this blog.

I. Am. Not. Thrilled.

Yes, I skipped blogging here about Round 2, which started about a year ago. At that time, I was hoping it was a temporary situation that would soon result in a renewed contract. Instead, that layoff period lasted about 4 months (blogged about occasionally on my main blog), ending with a new contract-to-perm job in April of this year. And as far as I knew, I was good to go for the long run.

But during my 8th month on that job, the big project the entire department was focused on for the coming year was scrapped. Most of us in the department were given two weeks to wrap things up; a few were asked to stay on for 6 months to ease the transition while the company tries to sell the scraps of the project to another company. Even fewer were offered transfers to another department, and many declined. Of course, with a layoff comes a nice severance package, so even those who were given two weeks only weren't completely out in the cold for the holidays.

Of course, for those of us who were still contractors, it's a different story. A contractor doesn't get severance. So I suddenly find myself facing a third Christmas shopping season in a row with no income.

Great timing.

For the past few months, I'd no longer felt like life was on hold. I was moving forward again. I was enjoying life again. Now I find myself facing the possibility that I may not have an income again until February. Why? I figure with the holiday season, getting hired won't be very easy for the next few weeks. Assuming things open up a bit more after New Year's, hopefully I can find something pretty quickly. But until then, I feel that despite the fact that I've already had one interview, the odds are pretty slim for the rest of the year given the season. And so instead of enjoying the savings I've built up this year, I'll have to dig into it for simple day-to-day expenses. Not quite what I had in mind.

So, here we go again, dammit. Today is actually Day 6 (or Day 5 if you don't count Thanksgiving Day). Following this post, I'll start the daily rundown of my new Layoff Times, for better or for worse.

All together now:

SIGH.

Mood-o'-lantern

My mood before I went to work Monday morning:

My mood after:

The Layoff Times: Round 3

It's November ... so that must mean it's time for my contract to disappear without any prior warning. At least this time I have 2 weeks before its unexpected end.

Wheeeeeeeee.

Work update

I haven't discussed my current job much, and I've been there nearly 5 months now. I'm still a contractor; no ETA on if/when I could go permanent. But as long as I have a steady paycheck and health insurance, going permanent is less of a pressing concern than it was at my last job a year ago. I've already proven to myself that my world won't crumble if I take a week of unpaid leave to go on vacation (see my previous entries about the Tahoe trip, plus I'm sure more entries to come), though I still feel somewhat limited in my vacation options, as I have to add the lost income into the cost of any trip. And it would be nice to have sick/personal time again.

The personalities at this place are much more open. Not that the last job was filled with unfriendly people, but I never really related to them. On the other hand, on my first day at this job, I sat in a conference room with my new manager -- whom I'd never met before because the manager I'd interviewed with had since left the company -- and for 20 minutes we talked about our digital photo and digital video experiences. That seemed like a very good start. And since then I've bonded a bit with some of my coworkers as I picked their brains about digital video cameras and showed off photos and such. And while I don't go to lunch with my coworkers regularly, I have gone a few times, something I never did over 6 months at my last job. (To be fair, I was invited to lunch a number of times at the last job, but I just didn't feel like I fit in and turned them all down).

Knowing more details about my future status at this company would be nice, and I still don't feel like I can make any really long-term plans, but I feel like most of my life is no longer on hold, and that's kinda nice...

Insured again!

It's just past midnight, which means it's now June 1, which means ... I have health insurance again! At least, I assume I do; they told me it would start on June 1, they've been taking the first month's premium out of my paycheck for the past 4 weeks, and I got my insurance card. So I'd say that means I'm insured again!

My 18 months of Cobra ran out at the end of January, and I found out that it's harder to get individual health insurance than I realized. When Tom was unemployed a couple years ago, he went without insurance for more than a year because he never could qualify for a plan, and he hardly ever gets sick or goes to the doctor. But I did manage to get short-term catastrophic insurance for February; that is, high-deductible limited coverage.

Then came March, my favorite month of all. I was completely without health insurance for about 3 weeks, and during that time is when a raccoon got into my house through a nice hole in the eaves. So when Tom came over to help me repair it, I sent him into the attic to see if he could find the raccoon rather than going myself. Why? He had insurance and I didn't. Figured why take the chance of getting rabies with no insurance? (However, I was willing to get onto the roof to help Tom with the repairs even while uninsured). Around that time was when I got another batch of short-term insurance started. And that's what I've had for the past 2 1/2 months. So, while I wasn't technically uninsured, the $2500 deductible was a disincentive to go to the doctor for anything, including preventative care.

But now I finally qualify for the group health insurance plan at my contract agency. It's not subsidized at all, which means it costs about the same that my Cobra did, but at this point, I'll take it. First things first. Get insured, then worry about finding a permanent position with partially subsidized group plans. Or not.

I could go into how broken our health-care system is and all that, but I just want to breathe a sigh of relief that I have that security blanket of a group health plan again...

Office Vista

No, this isn't about any Microsoft products. The best thing about my last job -- other than actually having a paycheck again -- was the view. Not so much from the office building itself, but from the parking garage. I'd often take breaks in the afternoon and go stand in one of the upper levels of the garage, looking out over the 360 Bridge and the river nestled in the foothills of the Hill Country. It was more or less the same view we had the first few years I was at NI way back when, but I guess I took it for granted back then.

My new job is a few miles farther west into these foothills. Sure, nothing impressive compared to real mountains, but hey, I grew up in Houston. The only hills we have there are called overpasses. This office building is only 3 stories high, but it rests right next to a dropoff into a mini-gorge and has a huge balcony overlooking this gorge (gorgette?). So even though it's only the 3rd floor, it feels much higher because much of the landscape is so much farther beneath you. Plus, it's spring, so you can stand out there and absorb the view while listening to a symphony of birds chirping away. Or you can watch the raptors gliding silently overhead, circling for prey.

So no, this isn't the view from my cube, but that's probably for the best, as I wouldn't get any work done if it were. But this relaxing vista is just a short 30-second walk away, and it sure beats staring out at a parking lot or corporate campus...

Click photo to enlarge


Click photo to enlarge

Back in the workforce

It's a month later than I originally thought it'd be, but I've completed my first week at my new job. They say it's contract-to-perm, but I have no details about the "to-perm" part yet. So I don't know when, how much, or anything else. But I figure I'll cross that bridge when I come to it; the important part was getting my foot in the door.

The environment here already feels far better than it did after 6 months at my last job. I mean, my managers at my last job were cool and easy to work with, but there was still that good-ol'-boy atmosphere emanating from others that I just never felt fully comfortable with. At my new job, it's more of what I'm used to from NI, Dell, IBM, etc. The people seem cool and laid-back and welcoming, so that's encouraging.

The next step is for me to actually start looking forward to the future again. Even though this is not a permanent job, I'm tired of keeping things on hold, and I'm not waiting any longer. I need to start planning long-term again. I need to have things to look forward to again.

We'll see how that goes...

A New Dawn?

Friday night was the worst night of sleep I've had in years (not counting when I've been sick). I kept waking up, shifting around restlessly. Much of that was due to a storm that blew through in those early, dark a.m. hours; thunder woke me up, and the occasional booms that followed kept me tensed for a little while. But even after the thunderstorms passed, I couldn't sleep for very long at a time. I woke up exhausted ... but to a piercing blue sky on a crisp, cool morning.

I hoped that my fitful slumber was akin to how you feel when a fever finally breaks, when that clammy but oddly refreshing sweating process begins and you know you're on the mend. Because just a couple days before that, my recruiter had called to let me know that I had a new start date for the job I thought I was starting 4 weeks ago. That, in fact, I would start on Monday (i.e. later today, since it's now past midnight). So I hoped that maybe that night was my fever breaking, my shedding the doldrums of the past few weeks (and of a year ago, and of 8 months before that, and so on). That maybe now the next phase of my life, the post-layoff phase, can finally begin in earnest.

Have I celebrated? Actually, I have a little bit. On the other hand, I'm not counting my chickens yet either. Athletes have their game-day superstitions, and occasionally I'll find myself tempted to follow a similar mindset. In this case, I decided that in the leadup to this start date, I should make a concerted effort to do the opposite of some of what I did 4 weeks ago. Then, I barely told anyone about the start date, I resolved to wait until after my first day to celebrate, I started factoring a new income stream into my spreadsheet beforehand, and I decided not to blog about it until after my first day. We saw how that worked out.

So over the past few days I've been a bit more open about telling people beforehand, I had a mini-celebration at happy hour/dinner Friday night (though I didn't go all out just yet despite the congratulations I was receiving), I haven't added any income projections into my budget yet, and, obviously, I'm blogging about it ahead of time. Maybe not polar opposites from last time, but different enough. I hope.

I know what I did or didn't do over the past few days won't really have an effect, but what the hell. The point is, when I wake up in the morning, I'll get ready for work. And hopefully this time, I'll get to stay.

Also, Meeka's regaining the weight she lost. Her blood sugar's up, but not in the bad range yet. So she's fine for now, but apparently I'll have to watch both cats for signs in the future that their kidneys are starting to deteriorate from age. At that point, we'll likely have to switch her off the diabetic diet and onto a more kidney-friendly diet, which is the opposite of what a diabetic needs. So at that point I may have to give her insulin shots, something I'd hoped we'd avoided by catching her diabetes early. But that's the future, and we'll cross that bridge then.

For now, I need to get some sleep and prepare for what I hope will be the start of a new and better phase in my life...

Contracting deja vu

People who know me sometimes get frustrated or annoyed when I'm subdued or otherwise showing a distinct lack of enthusiasm in reaction to potentially good news. So when people congratulate me on, say, buying a house or car, getting a date (yes, it has happened), or getting an interview or a job offer, I'm always quick to throw up the stop sign. Wait till the ink has dried on the papers, I'll say, or until the girl actually shows up for the date, or I step into my new office building. Until then, it could always fall through, and I hate getting excited about something only to see it disappear.

The vast majority of the time, this attitude is simply me being overly, overly, overly cautious more than me being realistic. If something is supposed to happen, it generally does so eventually, and I end up simply robbing myself of the chance to enjoy it fully (except with one of the examples above, in which my caution has been proven justified all too often). Then came that fun month when I first thought I had a new contract job last year, before the client dragged the negotiations out for weeks, even canceling the offer at one point, all while waiting on "one more signature" to be signed. And so I learned that it actually was practical not to count on something happening in the contract world until it actually happened, even if you've signed a lot of paperwork.

That job ended as it started, with negotiations dragging on for weeks as the client hemmed and hawed about wanting me back and just needing one more signature to make it happen. Except this time, it didn't happen. And that was fine. I figured this client would be the exception to the rule.

Which brings us to today. I was originally going to blog last night about my Underemployed Times (which I decided not to start a separate blog about, wanting to differentiate this year as much as possible from last year). Specifically, about how that era was about to end. For today, I was supposed to start a new contract job. And not just contract, but contract-to-perm. I was too tired to preview said job last night, so I figured I'd just blog today about my first day on the job.

That turned out to be about 10 minutes. And technically, not my first day anyway. Miscommunication between the client and the contract agency led the latter to believe I was starting today. In fact, the req still needs to be approved. In other words, they're waiting on ... you guessed it ... one more signature.

Oh boy.

To be fair, I don't get the same feeling here that I did last year. I believe this actually will happen in a timely manner. Also, neither the contract agency nor the client are the same as last year, so it's not like anyone is to blame for both instances. But it's still slightly unnerving to know, once again, that someone wants to hire me ASAP but has a vague timeframe for when the paperwork will be finished. So, I can't celebrate having a new job yet because I haven't started yet. And the postponements — rarely an encouraging sign in cases like this — have already started.

I expect I will start this job soon and that this won't fall through, but it means I still can't celebrate this, especially after what happened last year. Even though all the players except me are different this time. And by the time I do start, I'm sure any celebration I feel will be a whimper more than a bang. Once again, I've found a way to burst my balloon...

The lure of the perm

I've always known I wasn't cut out to be a full-time freelancer for two reasons: the instability and the lack of benefits. Many of my friends who've been contractors at some point had a spouse on whom they could rely for benefits and a source of income during lean times. I've always envied that freedom a little. But I never envied my single friends who were contractors. While most seemed perfectly happy with that life, I never felt the lure of the freelancer. And since my layoff more than a year and a half ago, I've learned that my instincts were right on the money. This isn't the life for me.

The first six months were great, but that came with a nice severance package and continuing low-cost group health insurance (actually free in my case). I enjoyed the freedom to do whatever I wanted, including taking freelance projects like Six Man, Texas for no or deferred pay. But even then the limitations of this life were starting to become clear. Not only did I stop all major purchases, I postponed relatively minor ones as well. And with no income looming over the horizon, I stopped taking vacations, even though I had plenty of time to use. And as I've mentioned on here before, as time dragged on, I realized that the uncertainty about the future had robbed me of hope and anticipation as well. I felt I had nothing to look forward to. Even once I started working again, I only felt slightly more secure than before because it was still a contract position. Six months wasn't that far away; it all felt very transitory.

I know things could be a lot worse. I'm fortunate to have been able to go jobless for this long without resorting to drastic measures. But how I've lived my life this past year has proven that I'm not cut out to be a contractor, at least not without a spouse with a full-time permanent job. As for my next job (and I had an interview this morning that went well, knock on wood), if it's a contract job, I'll have to find a way to tip the scales away from my feelings of uncertainty about the future and toward living life more fully, toward my happiness. You can't keep life on hold forever, because then you're just wasting time.

All this is why I'm not full-time freelance material, at least not now. Even if the stability of a permanent job is an illusion, it's still a feeling that I've been unable to get as a freelancer. And so we get the lure of the perm. Maybe I need to be more of a risk-taker, but the fact remains I was happier with the stability of a permanent job. With that feeling of security, I'm free to look forward to the future and plan for it instead of worrying about it. And that makes a world of difference to me...